Grief doesn’t follow a schedule. It doesn’t have a clear beginning or end, and love certainly doesn’t disappear when someone dies. Over time, many of us discover that we still want—and need—ways to stay connected to those we’ve lost. Creating personal rituals to honor and remember them can be a comforting way to nurture that ongoing bond.
These rituals don’t need to be elaborate or public. Some are shared with others, and some are done quietly and alone. What matters most is that they feel meaningful to you.
Why Ongoing Rituals Matter
After the initial memorials or celebrations of life, grief can become a quieter, more isolating experience. Over time, there are good days and bad days. In my Living with Loss grief group, we referred to waves of grief. They were always there, sometimes light and sometimes so strong they knock you over.
Certain days, like birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays, can stir up especially strong waves of grief, memories, and longing for that relationship. Rituals offer a sense of structure and intention on those days. They allow us to acknowledge our grief and our love in a tangible way. They become a bridge in a relationship with someone who is no longer physically here, and they remind us that it’s okay to continue honoring them in our own way and in our own time.
What Rituals Can Look Like: My Story
In the early days after my husband died, I found myself searching for ways to feel close to him, especially around the milestone dates. For his first birthday after he passed, I held a sunset toast on my rooftop. I invited his friends to join me for food, drinks, and stories. Being surrounded by people who loved him, hearing their memories, and feeling that collective presence was incredibly healing.
Later, I tried to recreate that sense of connection on the anniversary of his death with family, but the experience didn’t bring the same comfort. I realized I had placed expectations on others to meet emotional needs they simply couldn’t fill. It was an important and painful lesson: we must be honest with ourselves about what we need, and compassionate toward those who may not be able to give it.
That realization led me to create a more personal ritual. I began hiking on those day. Being in nature, where I feel most grounded and connected to something greater, proved to be what I needed. Six years later, I still head outdoors for his birthday or the anniversary of his death. It started as a solitary ritual but has evolved, just as my grief has evolved and changed over time. Still the ritual—the act of honoring him in a way that feels true to who we were—remains.
My experience with my mother’s passing has been different. On the anniversary of her death, my sister and I now share a ritual of our own. We meet for dinner and a Prosecco toast—something she would’ve loved. It’s simple, but deeply comforting. She was Italian, and food and wine were part of how she connected with others. It feels right to continue that in her memory.
Her birthday, though, has been much more difficult. It falls the day after mine. We celebrated our birthdays together my entire life—dubbed “the October birthdays” in our family. Ever since her passing, my own birthday has carried a quiet undertone of grief. I’m still finding the best way to honor her, and to hold space for that shared celebration that no longer exists.
Ideas for Your Own Remembrance Rituals
If you’re looking to create your own rituals, here are a few simple ideas to consider. Let them serve as inspiration. There’s no right or wrong way to do this and it can change over time, based on what you need at each point in your life.
Personal Rituals
- Light a candle on a significant date
- Write them a letter
- Spend time in a place they loved
- Listen to music they cherished or create a playlist in their honor
Creative & Legacy-Based Rituals
- Cook their favorite meal and share it with others
- Start a memory journal or scrapbook
- Donate to a cause they cared about or volunteer in their name
- Plant a tree, a garden, or something that grows year after year
Family or Community Rituals
- Host an annual story-sharing dinner
- Plan a walk or hike with loved ones
- Create a photo collage or memory table during holidays
- Toast them with their favorite drink or dish
Let Your Rituals Evolve
As time passes, you may find that your rituals shift. That’s okay. Grief changes, and so do we. What brings comfort one year may feel different the next. You can make space for that evolution, and still stay rooted in love.
Whether you mark these days alone or invite others in, what matters is the heart behind your action. Rituals can help us continue the relationship in a way that honors the love we still carry.
In Closing
Grief may be the price of love, but rituals are one way we keep that love alive. They’re not about “moving on”—they’re about continuing to walk forward while carrying memory, meaning, and connection with us.
If you’ve created rituals that bring you comfort, I’d love to hear them. Sharing our ways of remembering can be healing for others, too.
