I get that question a lot. Many people have heard of birth doulas but not death doulas. The concept is similar.
My personal experience as a cancer journey companion, caregiver, and someone who has lost multiple grandparents, my mother, and my husband, made me understand the importance of a ‘good’ death and how that determination is as individual as each of us. All of this strongly influenced by decision to pursue becoming a death doula.
After completing the death doula training, I wasn’t sure how to apply any of it. I realized that I needed more skills to be the type of resource I would have wanted. I got a certification as a life coach so I could help people feeling stuck by grief and loss and trained to become a death literacy educator to provide classes to be prepared well before the end of life.
So What Exactly is a Death Doula?
A death doula provides emotional, spiritual, and practical support to individuals and families during the dying process. We are non-medical providers who often work alongside hospice providers as they provide medical care. Hospice can assist with pain management, provide practical supplies like hospital beds and breathing equipment, and offer essential physical care.
Death doulas may also help to coordinate with medical providers, depending on where the person is in the end of life journey. Hospice is considered an end of life care and is available when curative care is no longer the option. It’s important to note that the separation of curative and hospice care only applies to adults. Children can pursue both curative and hospice care at the same time.
Here are a few of the activities that would be done by doulas.
- Supporting family members through coordination and communication
- Coordinating with hospice and medical providers
- Meaning making and legacy projects
- Preparing for discussion with legal professionals
- Planning memorials or celebrations of life
- Establishing rituals and ceremonies
Navigating Grief and Loss
Not all death doulas have a focus on grief and loss. It was such a big part of my healing journey that I felt it was necessary to include. Every grief journey is different and has different needs at different points along the healing path. Here are some options.
- Therapy – As a death doula, I am not a therapist but I can help with finding resources.
- Grief Support – I found comfort in a grief group at Gilda’s Club Kansas City after my husband died. Being in a group helps to normalize the isolating experiences. You learn that it’s not about you – others are experiencing the same thing. I can help with recommendations.
- Grief & Loss Coaching – This is where I can help when people are feeling stuck or feel like they are just spinning and need help with a plan to move forward. Note: We never move on; we move forward.
I feel very strongly about the importance of grief groups. I volunteer with Solace House at KC Hospice and Palliative Care to co-facilitate their grief groups.
Society doesn’t always hold space for people experiencing grief, especially if the grief lasts more than a few months, and yes, it always does!!
What’s Death Literacy?
My husband, John, and I planned for our eventual deaths early in our marriage. The benefit of that was two-fold. Knowing what he wanted really helped me in my time of grief because I didn’t need to wonder if I was doing the right thing for him. I knew what he wanted because we discussed it before he was ill. It also allowed us to not have to think about it after he was diagnosed with cancer. Talking about these things when no one is sick feels theoretical and safe. Once someone is sick, it feels more personal.
My workshops are designed to prepare early. I know from experience, this is the safest, easiest, and best time to prepare. My workshops can help people prepare for discussions with legal professionals, live fully and die prepared, and understand how to prepare for and handle the first year of grief. The goal with all of them is peace of mind.
The Importance of Legacy and Peace of Mind Planning
Reflecting on our lives brings us gratitude, perspective, and allows us to consider a broader viewpoint. That reflection also allows us to understand the lessons we have learned. Passing along those lessons, in our our voice and stories, can bring peace of mind to the end of life. It’s not too early to begin planning your legacy today.
Embracing the Full Circle of Life
I’ve seen the Lion King play three times and I still tear up when the baby is born. Engaging in the celebration of life – both birth and death can lead to a richer, more intentional life. I invite you to explore these topics with me now, before they feel like they are rising on the horizon. I offer practical and meaningful services and workshops. I navigated a lot of this alone. You don’t have to. I’m here to help. Click on the link below to book your peace of mind planning session.
