In the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving, we’re surrounded by messages of gratitude, warm tables, full hearts, and giving thanks. For many, this season brings comfort. But for those of us who are grieving, it can feel like a painful mismatch: we may want to feel grateful, but sorrow, longing, or loneliness have a strong pull.
And yet, they can co-exist.
In my own search for solace after John died, I sat with a Buddhist teacher who gently offered this image: “We hold joy in one hand and pain in the other.” In the beginning, my pain hand was overflowing, heavy, impossible to ignore. But even then, there were tiny sparks of joy in the other. Over time, the balance shifted. I began to notice something tender and remarkable. The tears that once sprang up when thinking of John softened into warm-hearted memories. How grief, once so sharp, began to braid itself with gratitude.
Even now, moments arrive that stir both feelings at once. This year, my youngest great-niece will celebrate her very first Christmas. I’m so grateful for her sweet new life and I’m heartbroken that she’ll grow up with no memory of her Uncle John. That ache never fully disappears. But it softens when we make space for it, acknowledge it, and weave it into how we live and gather.
Making Space for Both
If you’re grieving this holiday season, or walking alongside someone who is, know this: there’s room at the table for both joy and sorrow.
Grief doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. And gratitude doesn’t mean you’re “over it.”
They’re simply part of the same love.
Rituals to Help You Hold Both
Rituals have been a source of grounding for me and many of the families I support through Marigold Path. They give shape to emotion and intention. They give us something to do when everything feels too big.
Here are a few ways you might invite both grief and gratitude to the table:
- Light a candle in memory of your person before the meal. Say their name aloud.
- Offer a toast as a family to those who are no longer here. We’ve made this a tradition in mine.
- Create a gratitude and memory jar: place slips of paper in a jar—some with cherished memories, others with things you’re grateful for this year. Read a few together.
- Make a favorite dish of your loved one and share a story about them as it’s served.
- Take a moment alone – a walk, a journal entry, a pause to check in with your heart. Name what you’re feeling. Let it all be welcome.
For more ideas, you might revisit a blog I wrote on rituals for honoring grief. Each practice is an invitation to remember, to celebrate, and to hold space for whatever arises.
If You’re Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving
If you’re reading this and wondering how to help someone who’s grieving this season, thank you. Your presence matters more than you know. A gentle check-in, a shared memory, or simply saying, “I’m thinking about you and your person.”These small gestures can be incredibly meaningful.
I offer more suggestions in this earlier blog post: How to Help Someone Dealing with Grief.
You’re Not Alone
If your heart feels heavy this season, I see you. You’re not broken. You’re human. The ache you feel is love with nowhere to land. And even amidst that ache, joy can still rise. Not as a betrayal of your grief, but as a tribute to your love.
Let yourself hold both.
May your table be wide enough for all that you carry.
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If you’d like a compassionate space to explore your own rituals, values, or end-of-life plans, I invite you to book a free Peace-of-Mind Planning Session.
