How to Help Someone Dealing with Grief

When someone we love is grieving, we want to help. It’s scary though because we don’t know what to say or do and we certainly don’t want to make them feel worse. It’s natural to want to make things better and ‘fix’ the situation. The truth is, you don’t have to ‘fix’ anything. Simply showing up with kindness and understanding can mean everything.

4 Things to Say to Someone Dealing With Grief

While being present is most important, people always ask what types of things to say and what not to say. Here are some general phrases and guidelines to help you be supportive. As with all interactions, everyone is different and everyone’s grief is different. Speaking from your own heart will help you make these suggestions your own.

1. Saying something like, “I’m here for you” is helpful and it’s even better if you can back it up by being there. I have tips on how to do that later in this article.
2. If you’ve never dealt with grief and loss, it’s okay to acknowledge that you don’t have the right words, or that you don’t know what they’re dealing with, but you want them to know that you care. You can personalize something like, “I can’t imagine how hard this is. I want you to know that I care.”
3. Acknowledging that what the person is going through is difficult can also set a good foundation for telling them how much you care. You can add your own style to something like, “I know what you’re going through must be so hard. I want you to know that I’m here for you.”
4. Relating a fond memory of the person who died can be very impactful to someone dealing with a loss.

5 Things Not to Say to Someone Dealing with Grief

Researcher and storyteller, Brene Brown cautions about using any phrases that begin with “At least”. When you try one of these phrases out, you can tell that it just feels wrong. For example, you wouldn’t want to hear someone tell you that “at least you have the memories of your mom to comfort you” or “at least you still have one parent/child left”. Often times, you can eliminate unhelpful messages simply by saying them to yourself and considering whether they bring comfort.
On a practical note, there are a few comments that are universally considered unhelpful and should be avoided.

1. They are in a better place.
2. God needed an angel, called them home, or this was God’s plan
3. At least they lived a long life.
4. You’ll move on over time.
5. Don’t be sad, your loved one would want you to be happy.

5 Ways to Offer Support to Someone Dealing with Grief

Most importantly, know that it is okay for them to feel what they feel. They have just lost someone important to them. Anger and sadness are normal feelings. Here are four helpful ways to be supportive.

1. Be present – Sometimes, just sitting with someone in silence is the most comforting thing. If there is a funeral, memorial, or celebration of life, show up – even if you’ve never met the person. I can tell you that looking around and seeing a room full of people who were touched by your person or just showed up to support you is amazingly healing.
2. Check in over time – Grief doesn’t end after the funeral. In fact, that’s a more difficult time because people stop checking in. Time passes and they may think that the person has ’moved on’ and is getting back to ‘normal’ living.
3. Don’t avoid the person’s name – Yes, it may make the person tear up but that’s okay. People want to know that their person is remembered. Over time, the tears may be replaced by a smile when you relate a fond memory of their person.
4. Help with practical tasks – Cooking, errands, or childcare can ease their burden. You can take it a step further and organize other friends to help, perhaps with a Meal Train or organizing meal delivery gift card donations.
5. Respect their unique process – Everyone grieves differently, and there’s no timeline.

3 Powerful Gestures That Mean a Lot to Someone Dealing with Grief

People who haven’t been through a loss don’t always realize that it never goes away. It changes and shapes who we are in the future but it never leaves us. Having someone reach out after most people have stopped checking in can be particularly helpful. Here are three powerful ways to show you care moving forward.

1. Sending a handwritten note – You can relate a fond memory or just let the person know that you are checking in.
2. Remembering important dates (anniversary of a loss, birthdays) – Regardless of how long it has been, the loss will be on the loved one’s mind. Knowing that you remembered makes a powerful impact and shows you care.
3. Offering a specific invitation (rather than just saying, “Let me know if you need anything”) – This can be a lunch/coffee date, going for a walk, or visiting a favorite spot together. Being specific takes the burden off of the person dealing with grief to think of something themselves.

Grief can feel isolating, but no one should have to go through it alone. You don’t need to be perfect and have all the answers. Even small acts of kindness can remind someone that they’re supported and not forgotten.