As the holiday season approaches, I find myself reflecting on the idea of firsts after a loss, meaning the first holiday, birthday, or family tradition without someone you love.

While planning for Thanksgiving, I realized something that had not occurred to me: my nieces and nephews will not have Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma Sharon’s house. She died this summer, and for the first time, there will be no gathering around her table. Even though I was at her funeral and have said the words “she’s gone,” this realization hit in a new and tender way. This will be their first Thanksgiving without any grandmothers.

Holidays are steeped in tradition. We tend to do the same things each year with the same people, and when one of them is gone, everything feels off. I remember the first Christmas after my husband John died. As I unpacked the decorations, I pulled out two stockings: one that said Kathy and one that said John. With that, I was done decorating for the day. The weight of his absence was too much.

Grief doesn’t follow a straight path. It comes in waves, sometimes small ripples, sometimes crashing breakers that knock you off your feet with no warning. These waves can be stirred by something as simple as an empty chair, a familiar song, or even a recipe that’s no longer being made.

Supporting Yourself Through the Firsts

The first year of grief is full of unknowns. You may feel pressure to “be okay” or to uphold traditions for others, but it’s important to give yourself grace. Here are a few ideas to help navigate the season:

• Acknowledge the loss. Saying their name and recognizing their absence can be painful, but it also honors their place in your life.
• Adjust traditions if needed. You don’t have to do things the same way. Create new rituals, pause old ones, or blend the two. It’s okay to experiment.
• Give yourself an exit ramp. If you attend a gathering, let the host know you may need to leave early or step away for a break.
• Find ways to include your loved one. Light a candle, cook their favorite dish, or share a memory before a meal.

(If you’d like more ideas, I wrote a post on honoring absent loved ones during celebrations.)

Supporting Others in Their Firsts

If someone you care about is experiencing their first holiday after a loss, remember: grief doesn’t go away. Even years later, it still lives in us in different forms. A few gentle ways to support them:

• Reach out. A simple text—“Thinking of you as the holidays approach”—can mean so much.
• Be patient. They may cancel plans or seem withdrawn. Don’t take it personally.
• Offer practical help. An invitation, a ride, or even dropping off groceries can lighten the load.
• Practice kindness. The holidays can amplify grief. Your compassion might be exactly what they need.

A Season of Tenderness

The holiday season can magnify both joy and sorrow. For those living through the firsts after a loss, it can feel like walking through the world without a map. My encouragement is this: be tender, with yourself and with others.

Grief never fully goes away, and perhaps it isn’t meant to. It softens, it changes shape, but it remains because love remains. This holiday season, may we hold space for both the grief of what’s missing and the gratitude for what we still carry in our hearts.