Death is hard to talk about. That’s even the case for physicians. When I decided to take a leave of absence from work to be with my husband, John, on a 24/7 basis, his oncologist had to fill out a form explaining why he needed my care. When I got the form back and read the words, “he will need care for the rest of his life,” I stared at those words unable to process what I was feeling. No one, not even the oncologist, had ever said those words.
A few weeks later, John decided that he wanted to end treatment for his cancer. He had always said that quality of life was more important to him than quantity. His treatment was becoming less effective and the side effects were becoming more debilitating.
When he told his oncologist, it was a shock to hear him actually say it. We all knew what ending treatment meant. I understood his decision but I was still flooded with emotions – sadness, fear, and uncertainty. Looking back, I am thankful that he took the path that felt right for him. I am also thankful that both of us discussed our wishes early, before the end felt so frighteningly close.
Why Talk about Death?
Eventually, we will all die. Talking about it won’t make it come sooner but it will help us be more prepared. What does being prepared feel like? For each of us, being prepared means that we have tended to the practical matters in advance so we can focus on living life to the fullest. For those left behind, being prepared means that we are not left making difficult decisions without guidance.
Being prepared creates space for us to focus on deeper, more authentic relationships and reflections on how we want to live. Consider a simple example like preparing for your day the night before. Your clothes have been chosen and laid out. Breakfast is planned and ready to prepare. You and have time to relax, drink your coffee, and watch the birds before starting your day with purpose and intention.
What Does Quality of Life Look Like to You?
What does a good life look like? What brings you joy, purpose, and meaning? How can you set yourself up to have more social connection? It’s helpful to consider these questions now and throughout your life.
It’s also important to explore what quality of life looks like to you regarding end-of-life. These are questions that can only be answered by each individual for themselves. It might also change based on circumstance. We may be willing to accept a lower quality of life in anticipation for an upcoming event, such as the birth of a grandchild or a son’s wedding. It really comes down to examining what’s important to you and revisiting this at various points in your life. The first time you do it may feel like a difficult exercise. It will get easier because having considered your values before, keeps them top of mind.
Once you’ve thought through all of this, discussing your end-of-life wishes with loved ones is an important step. If you are choosing who should carry out your wishes in the event you are not able to, you need to make sure that they are comfortable in that role and that they can make decisions aligned with your wishes and values. Once you are comfortable with your choices, talk with a legal expert in estate planning.
How to Talk About Death?
Start small. It will be uncomfortable. Perhaps a news story or death of someone else could be a less threatening way to bring up the conversation. The death of Gene Hackman and his wife, Arakawa, surely got a lot of people thinking and talking about the issues of caregiving, dementia, and end-of-life planning.
Break it into chunks. Don’t expect to sit down for a marathon discussion and have everything planned. Breaking it up also allows you to take time to consider what you really want. It goes back to the tortoise and the hare – slow and steady is the best course of action. Having open honest conversations, validating feelings of fear, and pausing to reflect will get you there with less stress.
Being Prepared is a Gift
While talking about death is hard, it is an act of love and preparation. I encourage you to take one small step today. Perhaps you could journal about your wishes, have a short conversation, or attend a workshop.
I invite you to explore resources on my website, including my workshops on the Living Fully and Dying Prepared, Death Journaling, and Preparing for Discussions with Your Legal Advisor on Advance Directives. You can find more details by visiting the Services page.
